May Update

The question of “What am I doing?” is a challenging one for me, again, as life here at La Granja continues to change and pushes me forward to roll with it. Since having coming back from our extended trip in Chicago, several of my responsibilities were picked up by new volunteers. The two girls who have moved into the visitor’s dorm until the end of the year are working with the kindergarteners in Casa de Niños when I used to be in the mornings, so I am filling my mornings translating and organizing some spreadsheets to report information about misbehavior. I asked the head teacher of the kindergarteners if I could still take the 3 & 4 year-olds for their nap, so that responsibility is still mine. Again, it’s the only one I’ve maintained the entire year! In the afternoons, two college students are coming to give phys. ed. classes to each age group. That puts me back to floating around, lending sports equipment to those not in the sports class that day, and continuing to attempt to get all of the kids that are supposed to go boxing with me to come to the farm. It’s a challenge. I have two kids who are still very sufficiently motivated by candy and will come with me on a regular basis. I’ve started helping Karen at the beginning of the afternoon as she rounds up all the kids to go into her classroom after lunch. I open her room and try to keep all the kids who have already come inside to stay there and get started on their homework. I’m still battling for authority, but it’s occasionally effective if they see me write down their names in my notebook. They know I’m going to give the list to Karen and they’ll end up doing chores or some other consequence, so even though I hate resorting immediately to threats, that’s about all I’ve found I can do. If I was a candy machine and could spit out a sucker to each kid who was behaving well and pass over those who are not, I’m sure I would have quite the perfect classroom when Karen walked back in. The kids are incredibly motivated by candy and very other rewards (from my experience), which is pretty disturbing, but at the same time, a good fact for future volunteers to know.

Despite these obstacles that sometimes make me feel like I’m back at the beginning and don’t know what I am doing here or how to really contribute and make a difference, every once in a while I get a little encouragement from the people who work with me. I didn’t come here for something for myself, and therefore, I didn’t expect to have such an intense need for affirmation. However, it’s really a wonderful feeling when people ask me about when we are leaving and tell me how much they appreciate what we’ve been doing here and how they will miss us when we are gone. People tease us that next year’s volunteers better be able to do this and that, or how would they get along without us? I am confident that future volunteers will be able to help more and more with each year as past volunteers share their experiences and the sisters and staff here learn how to better use live-in, full-time help. However, it still feels great to be told that we will be missed and that we have been able to help in a variety of ways throughout the year. Sometimes, I don’t realize how frustrated and disappointed I’ve become with myself, feeling like I have earned no respect from the kids and have failed at my attempt to make a loving and positive impact in their lives, and I almost laugh out loud when they ask us if we would just stay another year. The kids definitely require tough love, to say the least. It’s not a “feel good” type of job here, and the progress is substantial when you look back at the beginning of the year, but seems stagnant during the moments where kids are so blatantly disrespectful and sometimes hurtful. Being told that we are appreciated is far more important than I’d thought it would be, and sometimes it’s just the little push I need to keep myself moving forward.

I thank God that the kids are more attentive and respectful during mass in the chapel on Wednesdays and for the friend I made in Sergio, the gruff-sounding but caring man who owns the corner store by our house and steps out the door to watch me walk home if I came alone. I thank God for the rain that came last week for a few days and cooled everything off, for the dedication of the sisters and staff here who work long hours for less-than-outstanding pay, and for the new puppies that were born a few weeks ago kitty-corner from our house.